Cup half full

A stitch in time…

Its so strange, Laith and I were chatting last night about how amazing life is and how forces beyond our control will orchestrate our situations / environment to best suit our needs and we are blissfully unaware of any of it until things happen in our lives and we realise that actually we are in the best place for this to have happened and that we had no idea or control over it. A bit like fate, well it is fate really although fatalism is often talked about as a dirty word / concept.

I won’t bore you with all the examples I can think of but our life situation is optimal for being able to deal with and cope with all that has happened to us. We are surrounded by a fantastic network of friends who live in very close proximity and who all have little ones of their own and are fantastically supportive. Then there is the local hospital where my oncologist has had experience of dealing with pregnant ladies needing chemo. This is a rare situation according to everyone I have spoken to so its ‘fate’ that has brought me under his wing.

On a smaller scale, we went off to France last week completely confident that no emergencies would befall us. I felt great and was completely comfortable and confident about the pregnancy. The trip was long and the van is not as comfortable as a car might have been and I was more physically active in France that I would normally be back home. As mentioned before, we got home in one piece and all was fine, then this week, exactly a week after getting back, my waters go and I need an op to remove my suture. Its like fate kept me safe while away from home but as soon as we had arrived home and settled in, my chemo was out the way and Laila was inducted into nursery (literally on her first full day at nursery) my body allows itself to just let go. There are a number of other things involving finance and work but I won’t go into that. It’s just all so perfectly worked out, and not by me.

On to my heading, my stitches were taken out this morning in all of 5 minutes. Gas and air helped me cope with the discomfort but all is out and I am resting up in the ward. I was a bit flushed this morning but I think that is a side effect of the chemo as it happened after the first treatment. I’m feeling fine just frustrated at being cooped up in hospital for at least 10 days. As long as I can get some sleep I guess I can cope.

The reason they are keeping me in is of course the risk of infection to me and the baby and then also the risk that I can go into labour at any time with the risk being highest in the first week after the waters have broken. I had a visit from the neonatal unit yesterday explaining the risks of a premature birth as we are only at 29 weeks (30 weeks tomorrow) The risks being the baby’s respiration and lung development. I have had the steroid injections to accelerate the baby’s lung development so feel more confident about that now. Another risk (a small risk I am told) is the risk of bleeding in the brain which can be no big deal or can be dangerous, so if baby is born early, it will go for mri scans to check for bleeding. I had a tour of the neonatal unit yesterday and the babies were just so little and looked so vulnerable. I would like to keep this little one inside as I truly believe it is the best place for it. The risks are minimal as long as we can avoid any infection getting into the membrane, and on a selfish note, the baby being in situ helps me with the effects of the chemo, so it’s a win-win situation. If the risks tip either way, I will happily give birth and I honestly believe the baby will be strong enough to cope with the world. It has proved to be a little fighter considering all he has had to face over the past few months. But I will relinquish control to the forces in control in that incredibly invisible way and trust that they have a plan and always know best.

So this morning I got up, just like any other morning and went through the motions of getting myself and my daughter Laila ready for the day (with a lot of help from my partner Laith). We all bundled into the car at about 8 and dropped Laith off to catch a train for work and I then took Laila to nursery for her first full day. A bog standard morning by all accounts.

I got home and felt a bit tired so took it easy for a while. I went upstairs for a bath and while running the water I felt, what I thought to be a large amount of discharge, soaking my knickers. On checking, it seemed more watery than a standard discharge which niggled me a little. After my bath I plucked up the courage to call my gp who advised me to call the midwives, which I did. They asked me to come in.

After assessment, they confirmed my fear, my membrane had ruptured and it was amniotic fluid that had been discharged. There was no sign of infection and I hadn’t gone into labour (which is good news on all accounts).

Anyway, I am now being monitored in hospital and will be here for at least 10 days to check for infection to either myself or baby. They will be taking the sutures out proberly tomorrow which means the neck of my womb may start to open (dilate). With the help of a good friends mum (www.hartlands.co.uk) who works with babies (remotely) all the time, I am confident all is well. I am on antibiotics and baby (through a huge injection in my derriere) is getting steroids to develop his lungs in case I go into labour and we have to deliver him. It’s a strong little thing having stuck with me through all the crap we have had to deal with and I need to thank Mharie for all her fantastic help and support.

There are so many amazing people that also need thanking, the staff at the Homerton in Hackney, London for their completely professional and fantastic personal support and in whose hands I completely trust the welfare of my baby and myself. Also my oncologists, Dr Thakur and his brilliant team from the Queen Elizabeth hospital in Woolwich and of course Dr Bryant who answers questions no matter how difficult it may be to hear what he has to say and who I also trust completely with my life as well as that of my unborn child.

Also my friends and family who have been there with practical and spiritual support from the word go. Your presence in my life has been unconditional and beyond the call of friendship and I have no words to tell you how truly grateful I am for all your love and support and generosity and what a difference it has made to me.

And then, of course, I need to let Laith know that he has been the one person without whose support I would have given up ages ago. He has been my backbone through all of this and keeps me strong and has been the best friend and partner I could dream of. The one person I can be a wreck with and who I can be totally honest with and I know he will be able to pull me out of the doldrums and support me in any way shape or form. I love you. And then of course there is Laila who I miss so much while in hospital and who keeps me sane and focused and intent on getting through this in one piece, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Its all for you baby girl.

We decided on the spur of the moment to make a run for it and head off to France for some down time. It was a 2 day drive down and 2 days back but worth it. I must admit, I was a little nervous about being too far away from the hospital or doctors treating me.

All was fine until the morning we left to come back to London. I woke up with a really sore arm and feeling somewhat under the weather. By the time we left, I was practically in tears and feeling awful. We drove back via Mont Blanc (the highest peak of the alps). I slept most of the first day but Mont Blanc lifted my spirits. What an awesome place.

After a good night's sleep and another day on the road, we finally arrived home. I still felt off colour and my arm was useless. I had an appointment at the hospital for blood tests on the following morning. I mentioned how I was feeling and the doctor perscribed some antibiotics for me in case of infection. He was a little less impressed with me going abroad without telling anyone after my first chemo.

So Thursday arrived and my second chemo treatment. The needle went in without any bruising and on the first attempt and the drugs just filtered into my system. As yet I have had no side effects to speak of. Even my hair seems to be holding its own for the time being.

Baby is growing and very active. He gets a bit quiet after chemo for a few days. Aparently the chemo drugs do not significantly cross the placenta, so he is protected from the effects of the chemo (which is very good news)

I still have loads of questions, like: what are the chances of the baby having cancer? I know he won't have breast cancer as you have to be an adolescent but perhaps there was a cancer cell roaming at conception.

After all the years of exposing my unprotected skin to the African sun, could I have skin cancer too and will this chemo sort that out or do I need to explore this issue seperately?

I know there are more questions lurking. Perhaps someone has the answers for me. I know all I need to do is ask the relevant people which is what I will do if I don't find the answers before my next appointment.

Its a beautiful Sunday here in London. The sun is shining and its warm. I'm oddly energetic. My arm is SO much better and almost at normal use. Its been amazing.

I am a trained therapist and one of the therapies I am trained in is EFT (emotional freedom technique www.emofree.com ) which involves tapping on meridian points on the face and body. After I had chemo a few weeks ago, I was told to watch for signs of a fever and ideally not to take paracetamol as it would mask a fever. I was still in pain but was willing to persevere. The pain was awful and so I thought I would practice what I preach and try some eft for the pain. I did a few minutes of tapping (literally no more than about 5 minutes). It didn't do the trick immediately although if I had stuck with it after those initial 5 min, I don't doubt it would have. It has renewed my faith in my chosen field. Not that I had ever lost faith in the methods, but perhaps in myself.

Which brings me on to a subject I have been thinking a lot about. Why the hell am I sick. There is no history of any kind of cancer in my family and I am a fairly healthy eater and I am wary of chemicals in my environment and won't use any harsh cleaning products etc.

I was reading a book (Anatomy of the spirit by Caroline Myss, phd) which suggests that our physical conditions are a result of our emotional states and that sickness demonstrates a lack of power in certain areas of our lives.

The more I think about this, the more sense it makes to me and the more I can relate to its truth. There are areas in my life that recently (over the past 2 years or so) I have been aware of a distinct lack of power. I need to address these areas if I am to heal and stay healthy. Its that elusive balance that I keep harping on about, which is so very important in the grand scheme of things.

The process starts here and now and I will take control. By relinquishing ultimate control to the powers that be, I will be able to free up my own resources to heal and work on those areas that need attention so desperately. I hereby begin my journey.

I have little to no experience writing (or even reading) blogs so I thought I would experimant a little and try to upload photos. This is me as a little girl (if the uploading went as it should)

On a more personal note, Im in my 27th week of pregnancy now and have started getting a bit of heartburn (for the first time) Baby is fairly quiet and has been since the chemo but as long as I feel it moving occaisionally, I won't worry.

My arm is getting stronger all the time and life is coming back to the nerves. The pain is not as sharp and I have not had any pain pills since the chemo last week.

I have had a few days of being completely exhausted but hopefully once the sun is out, my spirits will pick up and my energy levels will shoot up.

No hair has fallen out yet but I have an appointment to choose a wig on the 12th. Its all very strange but am almost looking forward to not having to worry about washing or dyeing my hair for a while, also not having to shave will be a small bonus.