Cup half full

Im absolutely exhausted but for all the right reasons this time. Laith and a friend of mine were in cahoots all of last week and arranged for me to go out last night as a surprise (I don't get out that often)

Well it was fun. We had dinner at a Mexican restaurant in Blackheath and then went on to a 'disco' downstairs. It was great. We danced and had a wonderful time catching up. Thank you both so much.

I returned home at 1 and while washing my face, I heard a noise outside and looked out of the window to find a bloke in the process of lifting one of our fence panels and stealing Laith's push bike. I woke Laith up but all too late so we are 1 bike down (again). Its enough to put one off people.

Laila was up at 6 and seeing as we only got to bed at 3, Im shattered.

I went to see baby today and she is now taking ALL her feeds by bottle. They have taken the tube out of her nose which is brilliant news. They weigh her tonight so will have an update on that tomorrow. She is doing so well and she should be home soon (this week perhaps). I can't wait.

What awful weather. Rain, rain, rain... perhaps the sun will come out tomorrow...

For the first time in what feels like absolutely ages, I am feeling vaguely energetic and back to normal. My ear is still blocked so I can't hear very well, but at least nothing hurts.

I think we will spend as much of the weekend as the weather permits, in the garden and getting things ready for baby. She will be home within a week or 2 and we have absolutely nothing ready (including her name)

I have been 'off line' for a couple of days for 2 reasons. Firstly, I have not been feeling well with my sore throat and then an ear infection (which is still bugging me) and just being exhausted. Secondly, I wanted the pictures of the little one to be the first thing people saw when they logged on, as I flagged friends and family that the pics of baby would be on the blog. Hopefully you have all had a chance to see her, otherwise, just scroll down and you will be able to see them.

Thank you all for all the brilliant e-mails and messages. They mean so much to me. Please don't think that I am taking this lying down. I have a whole lot of fight in me and I am tackling this by the horns. I often don't write about the fight as its a daily attitude. Its when I'm a little introspective or something hits a cord that I write about it and these things are generally things I regret or am upset about. I am nearly halfway through this battle (at least the chemo bit) and in my mind I do not have cancer anymore, it was removed when the lump was removed. This treatment is described by my oncologist as my insurance policy and that's the way I look at it. I have many good years ahead of me and intend to see my children grow up and fuss over my grandchildren. Its all about the attitude.

I spent this morning at the hospital with the little one. Her weight on Sunday night was 1.96, which is brilliant as when she reaches 2kg, then she has reached a milestone criteria for letting her come home. The other criteria are being able to breath without oxygen, which she hasn't been on since the day she was born. Being able to take her feeds by bottle, which she is managing more of each day although not quite there yet. And she needs to be past 34 weeks gestation time, which she will be on Thursday. The doctors mentioned on Monday that she may be able to come home next week if all the criteria are met. I honestly can't wait but am also apprehensive as I am so exhausted a lot of the time. But I will cope as always.

While sitting in the baby unit, the other mums will come in and breast feed their little ones. Many find it difficult as the baby's may not latch on as they should or aren't sucking. I have also heard a lot of mums complaining and often disliking the whole process of breastfeeding. Also, hearing mums wanting to not keep it up as they don't like the maternity bras and miss their push up bras (which I can understand). This all breaks my heart.

I feel so cheated out of being able to breastfeed my baby. While holding her, if she is getting hungry, she will route toward me for milk and it breaks my heart that I cannot offer her the comfort and nutrition I should naturally be able to. Instinctively I yearn to just whip my boobs out and feed her but know I will be doing her more harm than good. I guess a bottle and cuddles are the next best thing.

And here she is again, on my lap, fast asleep.

I am posting the other pic again for those who haven't seen it.

I woke up this morning with my sore throat having traveled up to my ears and now my ears are really sore too. I can't get hold of my GP on a Sunday or my oncologist, so I decided to have some raw garlic for breakfast. As my sense of taste is about 60% gone and my sense of smell about 90% gone, it has been no problem. I'm feeling better for it.

Hi all,

I have managed to get through the day (just). Thanks for all your lovely comments and advise. I have been reading la_spice's poetry and eating lots of salad and fruit. I will call my oncologist on Monday and see what he advises.

Baby is well (I have just returned from the hospital) She had a bottle with me and then straight back to sleep. Eventually I have been able to download a few photos of her.

We have another name in mind. Maxine Beatrix. Any thoughts? Also, Allia

Im off to bed now. Nite all.

Just a quick one to say I'm feeling bloody awful. I have a sore throat that feels like a burning hot poker has been shoved down it, a headache to match and a sore and red eye. I thought this was all symptoms of a cold I picked up from Laila but it seems (after reading the literature from the chemo treatment suite) these are side effects from the chemo. The full force of the poison has kicked in. What a difference from the last two chemo treatments when I had no side effects at all. I also have NO energy for anything. It feels like the plug has been pulled from the energy source. My electricity has gone.

I am also loosing my mind a little. I forget things all the time. If I don't do things straight away, I forget I need to do them and only remember again when I see them or its too late.

I am sure it can get a lot worse and I'm really hoping it doesn't. I don't do sick well. Any tips on keeping myself up and running will be hugely appreciated. I'm really struggling.

I spent this afternoon in the special care baby unit, just holding my little girl. She is out of the incubator now (yay) and in a cot and that is brilliant. They are weighing her tonight so will have her new weight tomorrow. She is doing so well. All the staff say she is such a good girl. She also had a hearing test and her hearing is perfect.

There is a little boy in a cot next to baby's. His 3 big brothers and dad were there yesterday to visit him. I hear today that his mum had passed away giving birth to him, leaving dad with 4 boys. Again, I count my blessings.

Laila has picked up a cold from nursery and I seem to have picked it up from her. My body is fighting tooth and nail to keep me well, but it is sapping every ounce of energy out of me. I am so knackered. I can't get enough sleep. I came home yesterday after dropping Laila off at nursery and slept for 3 hours. I am ready to collapse into bed again (and have been since about 5pm). I'm also a bit hormonal and emotional today. I guess its because I'm so tired. Off to bed I think...
Nite nite

I have spent the day with Laith and Laila at Brands Hatch watching a friend race. It was really nice getting out and doing something different for a change. My life seems to revolve around my children/family and hospitals (which I love) but I do need to break the cycle every so often.

I had a bit of time to reflect and realised just how guilt ridden this period of my life is. I feel so guilty that I didn't go and see the little one today. When I do see her, I try to be back in time for Laila's bed time or I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty that Laith has had to put his life on hold this year. He was supposed to be out there racing this year too and did all the preparation last year for it. I also feel guilty that he has to support the whole family without my help and has been running the household without me while I was in hospital, getting Laila to nursery and himself to work etc and I know it wasn't an easy task. Just guilt, guilt, guilt. I need to get over it. It's not good for me and isn't going to make me get any better..

As for the chemo. I am feeling ok generally. Im not really sure what Im suppose to be feeling, except normal. I guess thats a good thing really, no self fulfilling prophecies of feeling ill.

Its late and Im shattered, so off to bed. Sleep well all.

I went for a wig fitting yesterday..... oh how strange. I was really tired. Laila woke up the previous night at 3 with a fever and shivering so after a nights broken sleep and an early wake up call, I was a bit of a wreck.

Anyway, at the hairdresser, they took me into a little room at the back of the salon and sat me down in front of a mirror. I got a catalogue to look through with Rachel Welch staring back at me looking ever so glamorous. Then came the trying on.

I must mention that since I gave birth, literally the next day, my hair started thinning out and falling out in clumps. I could have stuffed a few pillows or a few stuffed animals with what has already fallen out. Its really annoying as I can't touch my hair without it filling my hands with wispy strands of hair. Hair everywhere, in the car, in the bed, in the bath, on every carpet, in every bin, on all my clothes, on Laila's hands and clothes, in the food. I'm sick of it. I would rather it was just all gone now so I don't have to see it fall out onto my life and cover it with a carpet of reminders.

I have never tried a wig on before so had no idea really. It was a strange experience. The 'hair' is very shiny and quite abundant. They are thicker and heavier than I imagined. It was quite soul destroying seeing my thinning and greying hair in between trying on these lush wigs. Anyway, at the end of it all, I chose 2 to order in so hopefully in a few days time I can sport a head of thick hair even though it won't technically be my own.

I had another dose of chemotherapy today. Watching that red liquid coming down the tube and going directly into my veins can be a little scary. It is also very cold and turns my veins and arm quite icy.

Its been about 5 hours since I finished the treatment and I seem to be reacting very similarly to the previous treatments (which is excellent news) I am feeling OK, perhaps a little light headed but not significantly so.

When my treatment was over, I headed straight for the baby unit and sat and cuddled little one for about 3 hours. I love her smell and her closeness. Its so comforting just holding her. A friend who has been through chemo used to go to an art gallery before her treatments as a 'pick me up'. My 'pick me up' are the cuddles I get from my newborn and from Laila at home (and of course, Laith).

I'm still looking for the wire to download the pictures and intend to make a concerted effort to find it tonight/tomorrow.

YAY, Baby is one step closer to home. She has been transferred to our local hospital which is 5 min away from home. And just in time too, I have my bloods tomorrow and then my chemo on Thursday, so can go to baby after my appointments which is fantastic.

I saw her off at the Homerton and then drove over to the QE and was able to settle her in there. She had some bottle and then settled in and fell asleep. She was making gurgling sounds which was so nice to hear.

I took some nice photos of her yesterday but can't find the lead to download them... will keep looking and then post them on the blog.

Just a very quick message to say I have (eventually) put a few photos on my blog but I have put them on the relevant dates, so you will have to scroll back through my blog. There are 4 new photos of Laith, Laila, baby and I. The photo of baby is not very clear but I will take another and post it.

Some good news... Baby may have a cot at our local hospital and may be transferred today, so as soon as Laith is up (its his turn to sleep in today so I am up with Laila for breakfast) I will get myself ready and head over to the hospital to see her and check that the transfer is going ahead today.

I have had a rough couple of days but will blog about that later when I am fully awake and have had my coffee.

I watched the panorama report on the state of the maternity units and was shocked and appalled at what was reported. My experience at the Homerton has been fantastic and I must speak up for them.

All my care, from the first appointment in the anti natal unit, the early pregnancy assessment team, the bereavement midwives (Tracey and Mirriam), the chaplain who conducted our son's (Sami-Christopher, miscarriage at 22 weeks) funeral at the beginning of last year (Nadia) the fetal scan team (Dr Akenfenwe and Bola), my consultant (Dr Roberts), all of the midwives in the delivery unit as well as on the Turpin ward (thank you all for the best care and kindness and understanding), all the doctors and nurses and other staff on the wards and currently all the staff on the neonatal unit who are fantastic with my little angel and are absolutely brilliant with all the other babies in their care. I feel so lucky to have had the experience I have had with this pregnancy and with my two miscarriages last year, as well as with the birth of Laila in Sept 04. I feel very sad that I won't be able to be pregnant again for at least 7 years.

An update on little one is that she is off the iv fluids now and is getting all her nutrition through her milk. She was on 8ml of milk every hour (plus iv fluids) and now she is on 20ml of milk every 2 hours and tolerating it well. We are trying to get her transferred from the Homerton (which is a half hours car journey on a good day), to our local hospital, the Queen Elizabeth in Woolwich (a 5 min drive away) As she is not critical and I have been assured by the staff in the neonatal unit that the care she needs can easily be delivered by the QE, I am happy to leave the excellent care of the Homerton.

As for me, my head is feeling a little prickly/sensitive and my hair seems to be thinning a little. Otherwise I feel ok. A bit tired still since the delivery. Its nice being back on line and back in touch with friends after a week in hospital.

Im sitting here in my hospital bed with my brain whirring and buzzing all round me. Its been such an information packed few days that I don’t know where to start.

I spent most of the morning in the intensive care unit with baby (Laith and I have hardly seen each other since her birth so have not had a chance to discuss names yet). She is the most contented little soul and so brave.

She was able to breath on her own a few hours after she was born which is fantastic for such a little thing and within a day she had her sucking down pat and has since had a few feeds with a bottle. I am so proud of her. When they feed her through the tube, she instinctively sucks with her mouth which is a very good sign. She had to have a lumbar puncture yesterday afternoon and apparently she managed that no problem. I wasn’t brave enough to be there for it. The cultures from that have come back negative which is brilliant. They are waiting for another culture to be returned before that is put to bed.

The physio dept were there this morning discussing her little feet. She has a pronounced case of talapes (club feet) on both her feet. She is going to need full leg plaster casts which get changed every week, then a small operation and then boots with a brace for a while. She may have to sleep with the boots on until she is about 5. She is going to need all the resolve and strength of character she can muster over the coming few years and a lot of love and support from her family.

She was born on Saturday morning at 0:58. I spent most of that day in bed trying to build up my energy levels and feel vaguely human. Eventually after lunch I mustered all the energy I had to go and see baby. I was able to hold her for the first time which was just incredible. Laith came round with my little Laila on Sunday and it was so nice to see them. Laith got to spend some time with baby and I got to spend some time with Laila (when she wasn’t charming the staff here) We took Laila to meet her little sister and she was so gentle with her, stroking her head and comparing the size of their hands.

I haven’t seen Laila since then and its now Tuesday and I really miss her. I feel guilty for being away from her and also for leaving Laith to just manage everything on his own although he is more than capable. Then if I go home I am going to feel like I am abandoning baby. I am still really tired and know I need to sleep and catch up with myself before I plunge myself into the real world again. Ten days to go before my next chemo so a bit of time to build my strength. I now have 2 little souls who will keep me focused and determined to get through the next couple of mnths

My last entry was written from my hospital bed on Wednesday the 25th although it was posted later. It is now the 30th of April and I am still in the same hospital bed but the situation has changed so much. Let me fill you in.

Friday morning came and I had had a good night sleep. Laila, Becks and Moo came to visit in the morning. I had a bit of a headache and didn’t have much energy. Lunchtime arrived and with it, my lunch. After lunch I started getting a bit of a tummy cramp and for whatever reason, my hormones took a tumble and I became very emotional. I spent the afternoon crying and sleeping with a headache and mild cramping that I dismissed as ‘something I ate’. You know when you are premenstrual and just cry for no apparent reason and you have no power to take control or even articulate how you are feeling and it drains you of every ounce of energy you have in your body? Well, that was me all afternoon.

By late evening I mentioned to Laith on the phone that I was cramping a little so to be warned. I then mentioned it to the midwives and asked for some paracetamol for my headache. They brought the machine to check baby’s heart rate and weather I was contracting. The pain then started to kick off with cold shivers to boot. They took me to the delivery ward to check my progress and by the time I got there I was 8/9 cm dilated. I called Laith in the throws of labour to let him know and was then told to push on my next contraction.

An hour later (at 0:58) and with no reserve energy to speak of (and a lot of excruciating pain) a 3 pound (1,44kg) little baby girl was born, naturally and with only scant amounts of gas and air. She needed help breathing initially but she was wide eyed and very alert as they wheeled her out of the delivery room. I called Laith to let him know. He was in the car park with Laila and they both bundled into the delivery suite a few minutes later. Fortunately the midwife, who Laila got to know as ‘Anna Banana’, was on hand to make sure all the blood was cleared up and I was decent. Can you imagine the trauma of a little 2 year old seeing her mum covered in blood and sweat at 1o’clock in the morning?

On the way to back to the ward we were able to check in on our little miracle baby. She was in her incubator and happily settling into life outside the womb.