Im sitting here in my hospital bed with my brain whirring and buzzing all round me. Its been such an information packed few days that I don’t know where to start.

I spent most of the morning in the intensive care unit with baby (Laith and I have hardly seen each other since her birth so have not had a chance to discuss names yet). She is the most contented little soul and so brave.

She was able to breath on her own a few hours after she was born which is fantastic for such a little thing and within a day she had her sucking down pat and has since had a few feeds with a bottle. I am so proud of her. When they feed her through the tube, she instinctively sucks with her mouth which is a very good sign. She had to have a lumbar puncture yesterday afternoon and apparently she managed that no problem. I wasn’t brave enough to be there for it. The cultures from that have come back negative which is brilliant. They are waiting for another culture to be returned before that is put to bed.

The physio dept were there this morning discussing her little feet. She has a pronounced case of talapes (club feet) on both her feet. She is going to need full leg plaster casts which get changed every week, then a small operation and then boots with a brace for a while. She may have to sleep with the boots on until she is about 5. She is going to need all the resolve and strength of character she can muster over the coming few years and a lot of love and support from her family.

She was born on Saturday morning at 0:58. I spent most of that day in bed trying to build up my energy levels and feel vaguely human. Eventually after lunch I mustered all the energy I had to go and see baby. I was able to hold her for the first time which was just incredible. Laith came round with my little Laila on Sunday and it was so nice to see them. Laith got to spend some time with baby and I got to spend some time with Laila (when she wasn’t charming the staff here) We took Laila to meet her little sister and she was so gentle with her, stroking her head and comparing the size of their hands.

My family

I haven’t seen Laila since then and its now Tuesday and I really miss her. I feel guilty for being away from her and also for leaving Laith to just manage everything on his own although he is more than capable. Then if I go home I am going to feel like I am abandoning baby. I am still really tired and know I need to sleep and catch up with myself before I plunge myself into the real world again. Ten days to go before my next chemo so a bit of time to build my strength. I now have 2 little souls who will keep me focused and determined to get through the next couple of mnths

In the hospital