I have been 'off line' for a couple of days for 2 reasons. Firstly, I have not been feeling well with my sore throat and then an ear infection (which is still bugging me) and just being exhausted. Secondly, I wanted the pictures of the little one to be the first thing people saw when they logged on, as I flagged friends and family that the pics of baby would be on the blog. Hopefully you have all had a chance to see her, otherwise, just scroll down and you will be able to see them.

Thank you all for all the brilliant e-mails and messages. They mean so much to me. Please don't think that I am taking this lying down. I have a whole lot of fight in me and I am tackling this by the horns. I often don't write about the fight as its a daily attitude. Its when I'm a little introspective or something hits a cord that I write about it and these things are generally things I regret or am upset about. I am nearly halfway through this battle (at least the chemo bit) and in my mind I do not have cancer anymore, it was removed when the lump was removed. This treatment is described by my oncologist as my insurance policy and that's the way I look at it. I have many good years ahead of me and intend to see my children grow up and fuss over my grandchildren. Its all about the attitude.

I spent this morning at the hospital with the little one. Her weight on Sunday night was 1.96, which is brilliant as when she reaches 2kg, then she has reached a milestone criteria for letting her come home. The other criteria are being able to breath without oxygen, which she hasn't been on since the day she was born. Being able to take her feeds by bottle, which she is managing more of each day although not quite there yet. And she needs to be past 34 weeks gestation time, which she will be on Thursday. The doctors mentioned on Monday that she may be able to come home next week if all the criteria are met. I honestly can't wait but am also apprehensive as I am so exhausted a lot of the time. But I will cope as always.

While sitting in the baby unit, the other mums will come in and breast feed their little ones. Many find it difficult as the baby's may not latch on as they should or aren't sucking. I have also heard a lot of mums complaining and often disliking the whole process of breastfeeding. Also, hearing mums wanting to not keep it up as they don't like the maternity bras and miss their push up bras (which I can understand). This all breaks my heart.

I feel so cheated out of being able to breastfeed my baby. While holding her, if she is getting hungry, she will route toward me for milk and it breaks my heart that I cannot offer her the comfort and nutrition I should naturally be able to. Instinctively I yearn to just whip my boobs out and feed her but know I will be doing her more harm than good. I guess a bottle and cuddles are the next best thing.