Cup half full

I haven't been blogging for a while now. To be honest, with a little soul at home demanding feeding every 3 hours (night and day) its been difficult to find the time.

Last week was a logistics nightmare. I had bloods on Wednesday. I took Ruby with me and of course she made all heads turn. All was good to go for Thursday.

We had to get Laila to nursery on Thursday morning, then back to soak Ruby in a bath to get her casts off. I expected it to take a while, but it took forever and with her appointment looming at 11 and my chemo appointment looming at 10:30, we resorted to a pair of scissors and cut the casts off. Laith and I were both soaking but relieved to have her free. Laith then dropped me off and took Ruby for her new casts.

The chemo went in easily. I was fine until Sunday when I started feeling sluggish. Monday hit me hard. I was totally grounded. I had Laila home and was barely able to move. Today was marginally better but still feeling shattered and in pain. It’s like my body has been gently beaten with a rolling pin. It affects my whole body and also my organs. It also feels like there is a steam train racing around my veins. I haven't been sociable at all and all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and wake up when it’s all over.

I was right... Laith sent me out to buy a new outfit on Saturday morning and then a friend arranged to take Laila and I to the park for an hour or so. When we arrived back home, there was all sorts of chaos on the go. Banners on the walls saying 'happy birthday' and loads of balloons and then all my friends started arriving with gifts and children and all sorts. It was great. Some of them I hadn't seen in a good while and it was fantastic that so many people made all the effort to be there. I wore my new wig and got lots of really positive remarks. We have taken loads of pictures and I will post some when I get a chance.

Thanks to Laith, my shining star, for arranging a brilliant birthday bash, and thanks to all his collaborators and to all the people for making the effort to be there and for all the lovely gifts for myself and Ruby and Laila.

I have my next chemo on Thursday. Its the first of the new drug so it will be interesting to see how I react to it.

It was my birthday yesterday and its not one I would like to remember (perhaps a bit dramatic). I had an appointment to take Ruby for her casts (she has severe talapes / clubfeet). I have had all the literature and knew what was going to happen but I just wasn't prepared for the gut wrenching crying. It tore right through me and I came home and spent the rest of the day in tears.

The casts are really heavy. I'm sure they must be about as heavy as she is. She is not particularly comfortable but is getting used to them (and so am I).

Laith has been busy. Just busy doing stuff around the house and for not much reason. Today he blitzed the house and tidied madly (of course I was suspicious) He then disappeared and came home with Laila's cousins who have come to visit for the weekend. One of them we hadn't seen since Laila was 3 months old. It was such a fantastic surprise but I think there is more to come tomorrow. Laith is renowned for surprising me. He is brilliant. I will let you know and post a few pics.

It’s been an interesting weekend. I went to the hairdresser to fetch my wig on Saturday. I ended up with an interesting new mop of hair on my head and will post a picture as soon as I get one taken.

As for my natural locks... well, there is not much left of that (and it pains me to look at it) I had the best of intentions of shaving it all off this weekend but didn't quite manage to get round to it. Instead I spent today in the garden weeding and planting beautiful flowers.

I read in a book once that as a therapy for cancer, some lady would weed her garden and imagine she was weeding the cancer cells/tumours out of her body and when planting anything, she would imagine creative thoughts/ideas being planted in her. I really like that idea and do believe in the power of the imagination when it comes to healing the body and mind.

It’s been great having Ruby home this weekend. She spent today asleep in the garden (in the shade). She is such a good little girl.

Laila is still fantastic with Ruby and really just wants to hug her all the time. We have to keep telling her to leave Ruby alone so she can get some sleep. Now its time for me to go and get some sleep until duty calls again in about an hour or so.

Night all.

It’s been a busy day (baby's first day at home). Laila doesn't go to nursery on Fridays so I’ve had both of them all day and I must admit, I was a little daunted by that but we have had a brilliant day.

Laila has been fantastic. She is so gentle and caring about her new little sister and wants to hug and kiss her all the time. Baby has kept her occupied all day which has been fantastic.

I think it has been decided (by chance) that baby may be called Ruby. It is a toss up between 2 names, Ruby or Roxanne. We have asked Laila which name she prefers and now she is convinced that she has 2 sisters, one called Ruby (at home with us now) and another called Roxanne (or as she says, 'Roxand') who is still in hospital. No matter how we try to explain it, she is having none of it.

I’m still fine. Should be in bed as Ruby/Roxanne will be needing a feed at some point during the night.

At last, baby is coming home. We had a meeting at the hospital this afternoon with all the people involved in her care (present and future) and we are set to bring her home tomorrow. I will be sure to take pictures and post them.

She is also on demand feeding now (as opposed to scheduled feeding) and her weight is 2.3 kg which is nearly double her birth weight.

Baby has an appointment on Friday to get her feet assessed and then next Thursday she is getting her first plaster casts done. It was going to be tomorrow but as she is only getting out of the hospital then, so it was rescheduled for next week.

Everything is ready for her arrival. We have the cot ready with all her clothes and blankets and muslins washed in non bio detergent. Her pram and car seat and carrier are also washed and ready to pick her up. I can't wait. Time to get settled and into a routine at home and start living as a family of 4.

As for me, I’m fine. My hair is sparse (proberly about 70 or 80% lost) and it is hard to see myself in the mirror with bits of my scalp showing. I am most comfortable with my hat or a scarf on and would sleep with one on if it would stay put.

Otherwise, I’m feeling ok. Laith is working hard and is still at work now. We had another break in on Saturday so that’s taking it toll on us. Laith has been very calm and mature about the break in's. He has matured a lot in the last two years and it is a steady progression of maturity and I’m loving the man emerging. I’ve always loved his wild spirit and that’s still there. It’s just more appropriately placed somehow.

I’m off to make dinner now as Laith has just called and is on the train home.

Yes, it’s been one hell of a week. Laila has been off nursery (they closed for half term) so I have been a full time mum (which I have enjoyed actually). On Tuesday I called the hospital to find out how the little one was doing and was told she had been swabbed and the swabs came back as positive for MRSA. It’s not what I wanted to hear and panic set in but after asking a lot of questions, it seems it is not in her blood so she is fine. They are treating her eyes and nose and bathing her in special bath stuff to fix it. Laila and I had swabs done on Wednesday morning and I called today and our swabs are negative, so we are ok.

On Wednesday I had to go to the hospital to get my bloods done for the chemo on Thursday. Laila came with me and that tested all my patience and skill in parenting. She was as good as gold seeing as we were at the doctors at 8:30am then straight on to the hospital and we only left there after 2 (and she hadn't had lunch) She spent some time with her little sister and was brilliant stroking her and holding her bottle and patting her on her back, as well as giving her a few very tight hugs which had me stressed out but I think she will make a FANTASTIC big sister.

On Thursday I dropped Laila off with a friend while I went off to have my chemo. It was my 4th treatment and marked my halfway point in my chemo. It took 3 attempts to get a line into my arm/hand but at last the last of the red stuff entered my body. I felt a bit 'woozy' afterwards, not much energy but able to drive and fetch Laila. Fortunately Laith brought home 2 pizzas for dinner so that saved me doing any cooking.

Today I woke up shattered, not able to open my eyes or wrench myself up from the bed but Laith had to get to work so up I got (eventually). My cheeks were flushed and hot. It felt like I was sitting cm away from a very hot radiator. That lasted most of the day but eventually faded away. I think I might get into the garden tomorrow. I need to get a compost bin and some compost and then I can get some more flowers in and perhaps even a veg patch (although I know it’s late in the season to start a veg patch). At the moment, I’m feeling ok considering.