Cup half full

It feels like I have been on an extended holiday over the past week. Actually I have been in hospital with low neutrophils (Low white blood count, so no immune system, thanks to the chemo). Last Sunday night I was feeling a bit grotty. I had been feeling like I was getting a cold but just figured it was a side effect of the chemo. I had also picked up a sore throat (everyone here is coughing). Anyway, after Ruby’s feed at 3, I went into the bathroom and took my temperature. It was 38.1. Our instructions are that if our temperature ever hits 38, we must go straight into hospital. It was 3 in the morning and I wasn’t going to wake Laith up to take me into A&E, so I went back to bed to nurse my fever.

Monday morning, I took my temperature again and it was 37.3, so I figured crisis over. I called the chemo nurses anyway just in case. They told me to come in and get my bloods checked out. With one thing and another, it was the afternoon before I managed to find the time to go to the hospital. Joanne told me off for delaying but told me to come in straight away. I got my bloods done and went home. Joanne called me when she got my results and told me to go straight to A&E. I did. The gave me intravenous antibiotics within an hour and after loads of questions and loads of prodding and 5 hours later, they had a bed for me on the cancer ward. I was put into isolation as my neutrofils were dangerously low and all possible risk of infection was a danger to my health. Everyone coming into my room had to wear an apron and gloves and when Laith and my mum and the kids came to visit, they all had to wear masks too. They all went to see the gp on the Tuesday and were advised not to come and see me as it was too dangerous to my health (I will have to thank him for that next time I see him)!!!Not.

So I spent the week watching tv and reading. Not being allowed out of my room and with few visitors (big thanks to Cherry and Florrie, my mum and Ruby). Fortunately Tracey had been admitted a day before I was so we were at least able to speak to each other on the phone as she was in the same boat as me. A big thanks to Tracey for the magazines and newspapers and excellent company.

It is nice to be home now. I missed my family. Mum and Laith are well and did a good job of keeping things together for the girls. Ruby has grown and Laila is my little star. We spent some time today cuddled in her bed reading her new books, we also had a bath together and I lay with her until she was asleep. It is full on but that’s my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s been an exhausting week. After the chemo last week I had a day or 2 of feeling ok (thanks to the steroids) then a slump, like someone had pulled the plug. I also had the pains in my body from the withdrawal of the steroids but that lasted only a day or 2.

There seems to be a pattern. If I exert myself at all (like taking a gentle walk to the park with Laila) then the next day I hit an energy low. I rest, then the next day I have some energy again, do stuff and the cycle continues. I have a new respect for energy. Things I would normally have taken for granted, like being able to go to the park or on an outing with my family, renders me useless the next day. I want my battery back.

My mum is here for a few months and having her here is a godsend. She is fantastic and a real help all round. She is getting used to handling baby’s again and is good with little Ruby. Laila is loving having Granny Merle here. Mum is really good in the garden too, so she is helping me sort ours out which is very exciting.

My hair is growing back and is a few mm long now. It’s white and hardly shows at all. My eyelashes and eyebrows have thinned dramatically and haven’t stopped thinning yet. My nails are doing ok and my fingers haven’t been as sore this time round (yet). My sense of taste hasn’t been affected as badly this time either.

I realise how important it is not to let this disease take over my life. Laith has been brilliant by not letting me forget that and not really allowing it to change our normality. Naturally there are exceptions occasionally but life goes on as normal and this allows me to feel and act normally. If I were to take myself out of my normal day to day life I would reinforce to myself that things are different and to be honest, I would proberly start to feel sorry for myself which can very easily spiral down into some degree of depression.

Here’s to life lived as normally and fully as possible.

Its that time again, yes, another cup of poison. Its been a long day. My appointment was for 11am but the ward was very short staffed due to school holidays and there was only one person on duty (Lisa, our hero) so my appointment was delayed until 2. I was due to fetch Laila at 5 so they started me as soon as I got there. Within 10 min I had another
reaction to the drug. Not as bad as the last time but enough to leave me light-headed. My lungs tightened up, my heart raced, I started coughing and I felt light-headed and hot. They slowed the drug down to run for 2 hours. I ended up leaving at 5. Laith came up and picked me up at the hospital which was a godsend.

The next appointment will be my last and I can’t wait. The bottle is nearly empty and my body can bear testimony to that. Let’s hope that this really will be the last.