Then something happens to focus my attention on where I have come from. My mum is diagnosed with breast cancer and is having a mastectomy at the end of May. She is so far away but speaking to her on the phone, I realise that she is taking a ride on the very same rollercoaster that I spent so much time on 2 years ago. It is difficult to be aware of what she is going through, it feels like I am revisiting an old haunt, but obviously a necessary thing for me to be doing at the moment.
]]>I’ve been off the radar for quite sometime but am thinking about writing a book so was just reviewing some of my blog when I had this sudden urge to write. I have missed you all quite a lot:-)
Life is, well life really. I am living day to day, pretty much as I always have; I just have more hair this year. I have spent a lot of time last year coming to terms with what had happened to me and just dealing with the anger and fear that took over with my diagnosis. I have dealt with a lot of emotional baggage that I have been carrying around for most of my life and the whole process has been cathartic. I feel as though I am still in the emergence stage, a bit like coming out of a cocoon. I have done a lot of necessary house work and although I still feel I have some work to do, I am emerging, a new person, and I like her a lot more than I did the one that stepped into that cocoon in 2007.
It is important to me that the people closest to me learn to trust in me again. Perhaps trust is not the right word. Let me try to explain. I think that my diagnosis put a lot of pressure onto those closest to me. Suddenly I was not able to contribute as I always had, on so many levels. I was out of 'circulation' all year in 2007 due to treatment and then dealing with the effects of the treatment and the emotional rollercoaster and the 'causes' took up the whole of 2008. My family thought they were getting me back last year and I wasn't able to be there for them. It has been hard on all of us but I am emerging from this madness and ready to embrace life.
One thing I have realised is that life is short and there is no time to be unhappy, or stuck doing something you don't feel good about. Make those moves, take those chances and grab life with both hands. There is no time for regret.
]]>I have been going to the gym (time permitting and not nearly as often as I would like) but my fitness levels are creeping up which is brilliant. I have given myself a goal to work towards. I am signed up to run the 'Race for Life' to raise money for cancer research. (Any donations welcome).
I have also made the decision to get back to work. I have explored the prospect of working for someone but decided I need to blaze ahead and get my business off the ground. No time like the present and I am really motivated at the moment.
If last year taught me anything, it would have to be that we NEED challenges in our lives in order to keep ourselves sane and ultimately, healthy. We need to achieve too, it keeps our energy vibrating and our self esteem in tact and it means we can walk tall with our head held high. These things are vital to our physical health in the long run.
I am thinking about writing a book. Just a short one. I’ve had a huge wake up call and the lessons learned may just help someone else out there. I will keep updating my blog but only occasionally. Lack of time and material limits my activity.
Here is a link to my sponsorship page if anyone is feeling generous.
Thanks
http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/daniellaslabbert
Well, my treatments are all finished now and life carries on. My hair is growing back. It came out a striking 'salt and pepper' color which was great fun initially, but I just felt I am too young to be grey, so I dyed it and now I’m a delicious blond. I will be becoming a luscious red head soon, so watch this space.
Its lovely having eyebrows and eyelashes and a hair line again. The rest could quite happily have stayed away but unfortunately all the other hair on my body is back with a vengeance. Back to plucking and shaving and waxing... My nails are just starting to get back to normal too.
In an attempt to fully get back to normal, I have found a job for 2 days a week. I’m so excited about it. It’s been 3 and a half years since I last did a proper job and I’m really relishing the time.
The girls are both well. Ruby is eating us out of house and home and Laila had her first nativity play in which she was a robin. I was so proud of her. She did such a good job and brought tears to our eyes.
Laith is also well. He is taking 2 weeks off work to recharge and relax before a busy 2008. Hopefully we will be going away for a while.
I am going to the gym, in training for the RACE FOR LIFE. Its fantastic having the energy, even just to run 1 km. I’m also swimming which I’m LOVING although I only manage 2 / 3 laps at a time between short breaks.
The reason I haven't been updating my blog much is that I haven't had the time to just sit down and do it. Family life is running me off my feet. But please know that I am well and embracing life and trying to get back to some sort of normality after a year of chaos. I am open to all sorts of wonderful new experiences and bear no malice or resentment in my heart. My life starts now and I intend to make the most of it.
Merry Christmas to you all and all the very best for 2008.
]]>My body and mind have been to hell and back this year and now that I am feeling a little better, and my energy levels are on the up, I need to get myself fit and strong and healthy and I want to take as many of you as possible with me.
Information for the ‘mini marathons’ will be posted on my blog as soon as I get it and any progress made will also be posted. Watch this space.
]]>After a short chat about what was going to happen, I was ushered into a changing room to sport my new, dashing hospital gown (which I get to take home with me). I then waited to be called into the radiotherapy room. I was then told to take off my shoes and get onto the bed placing my feet on the board at the bottom. They then moved me in millimetres and drew on me and the huge radiotherapy machine waltzed around me and took photos and measurements. Then they left me alone to do the radiotherapy. I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell I was doing there, all alone in this sterile, freezing cold room.
It was all over in minutes (very cold minutes). I got dressed and left. I headed straight for a coffee and a chelsea bun. On my way home, I stopped and bought a magazine. In it there was an article about 3 women who had survived breast cancer and their stories. I read it on the train and it had me in tears, just bringing back memories of chemo and the relationships this illness affects. I’m on the home straight now and am looking forward to a long life of health and prosperity.
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It was Laila’s birthday party last weekend and we had a fantastic day of food and drink and cake (and bouncy castles). As soon as I have downloaded the photos, I will post some.
I start my radiotherapy on Monday and then follows a gruelling 4 and a half week cycle but then I get my life back and we can go on holiday. Roll up November.
]]>She was so brave. I volunteered Laith to take Ruby into theatre. The operation took all of half an hour under local anaesthetic. Laith came out with tears in his eyes. Apparently Ruby cried when they made the incisions. Poor little thing and I do feel for Laith having to watch and comfort his youngest little princess through it all.
Ruby and Laila are both fast asleep and I’m heading the same way so I’m off to bed. I have a training course in the morning…
]]>This decision was based on research which suggested that the side effects of the drug (including cardio and infection risk) did not warrant the 4th dose as the drug was strong enough within the 3 doses to do its job. The whole thing has left me a little nervous and feeling as though I have been shoved out of the family home after a lifetime of security. I know that I have a direct line back to the hospital in case I need it and I have already made use of that lifeline. I am trying to get my radiotherapy moved forward so I can spend some more time with my mum towards the end of her stay.
I love having my mum here. I still have very little energy on a day to day basis. Mum is a great help all round and is getting on well with the girls (especially little Ruby) Laila can be a challenge at the best of times and requires a little management (as do all 3 year olds Imp sure). I am really going to miss her.
Ruby has her operation scheduled for Friday. The doctors at Kings College Hospital will work their magic and do some keyhole surgery on her feet to lengthen her tendons at the back of her legs. It’s very exciting (because it’s a milestone) and scary at the same time. She will be fine and is growing so quickly at the moment.
Its Laila’s birthday party in 2 weeks time. I’m not sure I have the energy to bake cakes and make loads of food from scratch, so I guess it will be Sainsbury’s finger food and M&S cake all round. I can’t believe my little girl is going to be 3 years old.
I will post more photos after her birthday. My hair is growing back but will be a while before I can bare my crowning glory to the unsuspecting public. Watch this space…
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It feels like I have been on an extended holiday over the past week. Actually I have been in hospital with low neutrophils (Low white blood count, so no immune system, thanks to the chemo). Last Sunday night I was feeling a bit grotty. I had been feeling like I was getting a cold but just figured it was a side effect of the chemo. I had also picked up a sore throat (everyone here is coughing). Anyway, after Ruby’s feed at 3, I went into the bathroom and took my temperature. It was 38.1. Our instructions are that if our temperature ever hits 38, we must go straight into hospital. It was 3 in the morning and I wasn’t going to wake Laith up to take me into A&E, so I went back to bed to nurse my fever.
Monday morning, I took my temperature again and it was 37.3, so I figured crisis over. I called the chemo nurses anyway just in case. They told me to come in and get my bloods checked out. With one thing and another, it was the afternoon before I managed to find the time to go to the hospital. Joanne told me off for delaying but told me to come in straight away. I got my bloods done and went home. Joanne called me when she got my results and told me to go straight to A&E. I did. The gave me intravenous antibiotics within an hour and after loads of questions and loads of prodding and 5 hours later, they had a bed for me on the cancer ward. I was put into isolation as my neutrofils were dangerously low and all possible risk of infection was a danger to my health. Everyone coming into my room had to wear an apron and gloves and when Laith and my mum and the kids came to visit, they all had to wear masks too. They all went to see the gp on the Tuesday and were advised not to come and see me as it was too dangerous to my health (I will have to thank him for that next time I see him)!!!Not.
So I spent the week watching tv and reading. Not being allowed out of my room and with few visitors (big thanks to Cherry and Florrie, my mum and Ruby). Fortunately Tracey had been admitted a day before I was so we were at least able to speak to each other on the phone as she was in the same boat as me. A big thanks to Tracey for the magazines and newspapers and excellent company.
It is nice to be home now. I missed my family. Mum and Laith are well and did a good job of keeping things together for the girls. Ruby has grown and Laila is my little star. We spent some time today cuddled in her bed reading her new books, we also had a bath together and I lay with her until she was asleep. It is full on but that’s my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
]]>There seems to be a pattern. If I exert myself at all (like taking a gentle walk to the park with Laila) then the next day I hit an energy low. I rest, then the next day I have some energy again, do stuff and the cycle continues. I have a new respect for energy. Things I would normally have taken for granted, like being able to go to the park or on an outing with my family, renders me useless the next day. I want my battery back.
My mum is here for a few months and having her here is a godsend. She is fantastic and a real help all round. She is getting used to handling baby’s again and is good with little Ruby. Laila is loving having Granny Merle here. Mum is really good in the garden too, so she is helping me sort ours out which is very exciting.
My hair is growing back and is a few mm long now. It’s white and hardly shows at all. My eyelashes and eyebrows have thinned dramatically and haven’t stopped thinning yet. My nails are doing ok and my fingers haven’t been as sore this time round (yet). My sense of taste hasn’t been affected as badly this time either.
I realise how important it is not to let this disease take over my life. Laith has been brilliant by not letting me forget that and not really allowing it to change our normality. Naturally there are exceptions occasionally but life goes on as normal and this allows me to feel and act normally. If I were to take myself out of my normal day to day life I would reinforce to myself that things are different and to be honest, I would proberly start to feel sorry for myself which can very easily spiral down into some degree of depression.
Here’s to life lived as normally and fully as possible.
]]>The next appointment will be my last and I can’t wait. The bottle is nearly empty and my body can bear testimony to that. Let’s hope that this really will be the last.
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It’s Sunday morning and the house is quiet. Laith has gone to visit some friends with Laila and I am here alone with Ruby (who is sleeping). I thought it would be a good idea to load some photos at long last. I am not quite brave enough to post a photo of myself in all my baldness but perhaps soon…
My mum will be here on Tuesday and I am really looking forward to it. We haven’t seen each other in almost 3 years so it will be as much a reunion as a visit. Laila is also looking forward to ‘granny Merle’ coming to visit.
I am feeling ok, just really exhausted, which I think is a combination of the chemo and also having to get up to feed Ruby every 2-3 hours through the night, so just not getting enough sleep. Its chemo again this coming week so not looking forward to that but it is my second to last one so another step in the right direction. I can’t wait for my life to return to some degree of normality once the treatment is over. Roll on November.
]]>This morning I called the physiotherapists and their advise was to get the casts off which we spent all afternoon doing. Once we had done the first leg (the one we did last when putting the casts on, that she was so upset about) she just calmed down.
Looking at both legs, there is a patch on each leg where the skin was rubbing off so no wonder she was so upset. Poor little thing. She had some milk and fell straight to sleep. I’m looking forward to a better night’s sleep tonight and a happier little girl.
]]>I have been feeling disorientated at times too. Ruby woke for her 3am feed the other night. I didn’t hear her and Laith had to wake me up to get her. I then had her in the bed on my chest and must have dosed off but I must have been amidst dreams and hallucinations and was convinced there were 5 screaming babies on the bed and I didn’t know what to do. I was really stressed out for about half an hour until I came to my senses and took control of the situation. It was pretty scary… Ruby slept through it all so she wasn’t stressed out in the least.
Laith has gone away on a business trip and so it’s me and the girls at home. I feel awful not having the energy to do much with Laila. Ruby sleeps much of the time so is much easier to cope with. Hopefully my mum should be here soon to help and support me for a while until this nightmare is over.
I have had some amazing messages and mails from old school friends which is amazing. Thank you all so much for writing and it really is good to hear from you all. I’m sorry having not been back in touch. I will make the time as soon as I can. And to all my age old friends who are so fantastic and supportive. Thank you all so much.
I love you all.
It took a while once we were called in to get going but at least the line went in first time today which was a huge bonus (it usually takes 3 goes and its bloody sore. Its properly the worst part of getting the chemo and I had sleepless nights over the lines going in a few days ago.
The drip was going in quite nicely and I was engrossed in a conversation when all of a sudden I had a hot flush starting from my belly and ending up in my head. I started struggling to breath and felt nauseous and faint with my head rushing.
I was powerless to do anything, I couldn’t even speak. Fortunately the lady I was speaking to had the presence of mind to tell the nurses on duty. They stopped the drug and switched the fan on me until I felt better. Apparently it’s a fairly common reaction and the body’s way of telling me it doesn’t like the drug. They slowed the drip down and I tolerated the rest of the drug with no problems. Ruby and I left at 4pm eventually. I called Laith to come home and fetch Laila from nursery as I didn’t feel good about driving. I gave Ruby her milk, put her to sleep and went and sat outside in the fresh air for a while.
I am still flushed but feeling so much better. Hopefully the steroids won’t affect me too badly this time round. So after a tough old day, I’m about to head off to bed (after I have done the bottles and had my steroids and perhaps something sweet to eat…)
Thank you all for your comments. It so nice to hear from friends and from people who care. I’m sorry I have not been able to reply to e-mails and texts for a while. Perhaps I will spend a day next week catching up with people. Until then, good night all.
]]>Anyway, as we were chatting, a young girl walked past who has a tumour on her brain which is in-operable. She looks about 25. She has been fighting the cancer for a few years too and its getting worse as she has had epileptic fits. My heart goes out to her.
Then another woman was wheeled in by her husband and teenage daughter. She looked very frail. Apparently she is a doctor and had been working part time a week ago, and then suddenly things all went downhill for her. I’m not sure what cancer she has but it reminded me of how fragile life can be and that cancer kills and it could so easily be me in that wheelchair. It was a stark reminder that there is a bitter reality behind this disease and I really need to count my lucky stars and view each day as a gift to be cherished. I have shed a few tears today thinking of her.
]]>I have been feeling better for about a week now but have my next chemo this coming week so am just enjoying feeling normal for a while.
I have been thinking about what I want to do next year after all of this is over. I am finding this quite a positive experience. All my insecurities of not doing things that challenge me more than I am comfortable with are being tested and I am finding myself wanting the challenges. Its like I have wasted so much of my life not wanting to do things. Perhaps my new motto should be ‘a challenge a day keeps the cancer away’.
I am now also officially bald. There was so little hair left that I eventually asked Laith to just shave it off and its fantastic (if a little cold) I still wear my wig out in public and am getting used to it.
The girls are well. Laila has turned into a little girl all of a sudden. She is such fun to be with and is as bright as a button. Ruby is growing and is able to turn herself over now, casts and all. She had her immunizations last Monday and has been high maintenance ever since. I do feel sorry for her. She isn’t feeling well.
Laith is well. We are both tired due to waking at night to feed Ruby (and she can holler when she gets the chance). Other than that, he is working hard and not taking enough time out for himself so becomes stressed.
I will try and get those photos loaded soon and I await comments on my new look.
]]>Last week was a logistics nightmare. I had bloods on Wednesday. I took Ruby with me and of course she made all heads turn. All was good to go for Thursday.
We had to get Laila to nursery on Thursday morning, then back to soak Ruby in a bath to get her casts off. I expected it to take a while, but it took forever and with her appointment looming at 11 and my chemo appointment looming at 10:30, we resorted to a pair of scissors and cut the casts off. Laith and I were both soaking but relieved to have her free. Laith then dropped me off and took Ruby for her new casts.
The chemo went in easily. I was fine until Sunday when I started feeling sluggish. Monday hit me hard. I was totally grounded. I had Laila home and was barely able to move. Today was marginally better but still feeling shattered and in pain. It’s like my body has been gently beaten with a rolling pin. It affects my whole body and also my organs. It also feels like there is a steam train racing around my veins. I haven't been sociable at all and all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and wake up when it’s all over.
]]>Thanks to Laith, my shining star, for arranging a brilliant birthday bash, and thanks to all his collaborators and to all the people for making the effort to be there and for all the lovely gifts for myself and Ruby and Laila.
I have my next chemo on Thursday. Its the first of the new drug so it will be interesting to see how I react to it.
]]>The casts are really heavy. I'm sure they must be about as heavy as she is. She is not particularly comfortable but is getting used to them (and so am I).
Laith has been busy. Just busy doing stuff around the house and for not much reason. Today he blitzed the house and tidied madly (of course I was suspicious) He then disappeared and came home with Laila's cousins who have come to visit for the weekend. One of them we hadn't seen since Laila was 3 months old. It was such a fantastic surprise but I think there is more to come tomorrow. Laith is renowned for surprising me. He is brilliant. I will let you know and post a few pics.
]]>As for my natural locks... well, there is not much left of that (and it pains me to look at it) I had the best of intentions of shaving it all off this weekend but didn't quite manage to get round to it. Instead I spent today in the garden weeding and planting beautiful flowers.
I read in a book once that as a therapy for cancer, some lady would weed her garden and imagine she was weeding the cancer cells/tumours out of her body and when planting anything, she would imagine creative thoughts/ideas being planted in her. I really like that idea and do believe in the power of the imagination when it comes to healing the body and mind.
It’s been great having Ruby home this weekend. She spent today asleep in the garden (in the shade). She is such a good little girl.
Laila is still fantastic with Ruby and really just wants to hug her all the time. We have to keep telling her to leave Ruby alone so she can get some sleep. Now its time for me to go and get some sleep until duty calls again in about an hour or so.
Night all.
]]>Laila has been fantastic. She is so gentle and caring about her new little sister and wants to hug and kiss her all the time. Baby has kept her occupied all day which has been fantastic.
I think it has been decided (by chance) that baby may be called Ruby. It is a toss up between 2 names, Ruby or Roxanne. We have asked Laila which name she prefers and now she is convinced that she has 2 sisters, one called Ruby (at home with us now) and another called Roxanne (or as she says, 'Roxand') who is still in hospital. No matter how we try to explain it, she is having none of it.
I’m still fine. Should be in bed as Ruby/Roxanne will be needing a feed at some point during the night.
]]>She is also on demand feeding now (as opposed to scheduled feeding) and her weight is 2.3 kg which is nearly double her birth weight.
Baby has an appointment on Friday to get her feet assessed and then next Thursday she is getting her first plaster casts done. It was going to be tomorrow but as she is only getting out of the hospital then, so it was rescheduled for next week.
Everything is ready for her arrival. We have the cot ready with all her clothes and blankets and muslins washed in non bio detergent. Her pram and car seat and carrier are also washed and ready to pick her up. I can't wait. Time to get settled and into a routine at home and start living as a family of 4.
As for me, I’m fine. My hair is sparse (proberly about 70 or 80% lost) and it is hard to see myself in the mirror with bits of my scalp showing. I am most comfortable with my hat or a scarf on and would sleep with one on if it would stay put.
Otherwise, I’m feeling ok. Laith is working hard and is still at work now. We had another break in on Saturday so that’s taking it toll on us. Laith has been very calm and mature about the break in's. He has matured a lot in the last two years and it is a steady progression of maturity and I’m loving the man emerging. I’ve always loved his wild spirit and that’s still there. It’s just more appropriately placed somehow.
I’m off to make dinner now as Laith has just called and is on the train home.
]]>On Wednesday I had to go to the hospital to get my bloods done for the chemo on Thursday. Laila came with me and that tested all my patience and skill in parenting. She was as good as gold seeing as we were at the doctors at 8:30am then straight on to the hospital and we only left there after 2 (and she hadn't had lunch) She spent some time with her little sister and was brilliant stroking her and holding her bottle and patting her on her back, as well as giving her a few very tight hugs which had me stressed out but I think she will make a FANTASTIC big sister.
On Thursday I dropped Laila off with a friend while I went off to have my chemo. It was my 4th treatment and marked my halfway point in my chemo. It took 3 attempts to get a line into my arm/hand but at last the last of the red stuff entered my body. I felt a bit 'woozy' afterwards, not much energy but able to drive and fetch Laila. Fortunately Laith brought home 2 pizzas for dinner so that saved me doing any cooking.
Today I woke up shattered, not able to open my eyes or wrench myself up from the bed but Laith had to get to work so up I got (eventually). My cheeks were flushed and hot. It felt like I was sitting cm away from a very hot radiator. That lasted most of the day but eventually faded away. I think I might get into the garden tomorrow. I need to get a compost bin and some compost and then I can get some more flowers in and perhaps even a veg patch (although I know it’s late in the season to start a veg patch). At the moment, I’m feeling ok considering.
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Well it was fun. We had dinner at a Mexican restaurant in Blackheath and then went on to a 'disco' downstairs. It was great. We danced and had a wonderful time catching up. Thank you both so much.
I returned home at 1 and while washing my face, I heard a noise outside and looked out of the window to find a bloke in the process of lifting one of our fence panels and stealing Laith's push bike. I woke Laith up but all too late so we are 1 bike down (again). Its enough to put one off people.
Laila was up at 6 and seeing as we only got to bed at 3, Im shattered.
I went to see baby today and she is now taking ALL her feeds by bottle. They have taken the tube out of her nose which is brilliant news. They weigh her tonight so will have an update on that tomorrow. She is doing so well and she should be home soon (this week perhaps). I can't wait.
What awful weather. Rain, rain, rain... perhaps the sun will come out tomorrow...
]]>I think we will spend as much of the weekend as the weather permits, in the garden and getting things ready for baby. She will be home within a week or 2 and we have absolutely nothing ready (including her name)
Thank you all for all the brilliant e-mails and messages. They mean so much to me. Please don't think that I am taking this lying down. I have a whole lot of fight in me and I am tackling this by the horns. I often don't write about the fight as its a daily attitude. Its when I'm a little introspective or something hits a cord that I write about it and these things are generally things I regret or am upset about. I am nearly halfway through this battle (at least the chemo bit) and in my mind I do not have cancer anymore, it was removed when the lump was removed. This treatment is described by my oncologist as my insurance policy and that's the way I look at it. I have many good years ahead of me and intend to see my children grow up and fuss over my grandchildren. Its all about the attitude.
I spent this morning at the hospital with the little one. Her weight on Sunday night was 1.96, which is brilliant as when she reaches 2kg, then she has reached a milestone criteria for letting her come home. The other criteria are being able to breath without oxygen, which she hasn't been on since the day she was born. Being able to take her feeds by bottle, which she is managing more of each day although not quite there yet. And she needs to be past 34 weeks gestation time, which she will be on Thursday. The doctors mentioned on Monday that she may be able to come home next week if all the criteria are met. I honestly can't wait but am also apprehensive as I am so exhausted a lot of the time. But I will cope as always.
While sitting in the baby unit, the other mums will come in and breast feed their little ones. Many find it difficult as the baby's may not latch on as they should or aren't sucking. I have also heard a lot of mums complaining and often disliking the whole process of breastfeeding. Also, hearing mums wanting to not keep it up as they don't like the maternity bras and miss their push up bras (which I can understand). This all breaks my heart.
I feel so cheated out of being able to breastfeed my baby. While holding her, if she is getting hungry, she will route toward me for milk and it breaks my heart that I cannot offer her the comfort and nutrition I should naturally be able to. Instinctively I yearn to just whip my boobs out and feed her but know I will be doing her more harm than good. I guess a bottle and cuddles are the next best thing.
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